The Mirror

(Michigan, the day I left)

I send a report to my sisters after each visit with him. It's become my routine. Beyond keeping us on the same page I do it to check in with myself--to exhale. Checking in makes me feel better. Like I've accomplished something tangible. Even if it's just sending an email to say, I did it, I made it through another visit without losing it. Sometimes it doesn't seem real until I have it down in words (more notes to self). God knows there's little time to breathe when I'm with him and we are going through our mantra of "what happens next?" Between the walks, the coffees, the beers and the ducks there is little downtime. I keep him busy so there is no room for commissary. Needless to say every time I say goodbye no matter how sunny or optimistic the farewell, I exit the circular hallways of his nursing home bleary-eyed. The residents sometimes catch me and there's an awkward moment. Maybe they see me as a regular. A prodigal daughter. I never let dad see this side of me anymore--and I guess that's the moral of this post.

Although it never feels like enough time, we got a lot accomplished. Curiously, it was one of the best trips I've had with dad a while. I preface all this by saying he's definitely become more a more tentative walker and yes, certain things like getting into a car frontwards and sitting in mom's 2-feet-off-the-ground "easy"chair are still struggles, but for the most part dad was enthusiastic, clear-headed, and his sense of humor was in full swing.

My first day there I took dad to see Dr. E. He had his 6-month check up and all vitals were normal. After the exam dad followed up by pressing his whistle and asking the nurse to dance, so I guess you could say he’s officially in good health.

The next day we whisked dad off to the botanical gardens on campus (thank you Wes). There were about 20 steps to brave but they were well worth it. The gardens were lush and quiet, shady and cool, and dad could even make out certain bright colored flowers. I had him touch the leaves and guess what trees or vegetable plants we came across. We sat on a bench outside the koi pond and dad would oooh and ahhh every time the breeze would blow. We sat there for a long while and enjoyed the peace.

(The Gardens)

Later we took dad to the Cap Café, listened to some oldies and sang along. He was alert, upbeat, and laughing a lot. We joined mom for dinner and ate hamburgers and corn on the cob. When I warned Wes that mom was cooking them on the electric grill inside the garage, dad offered his wit...
“Are we gonna have hamburgers that taste like tires?”

The next day after lunch we took dad on a drive before we hit campus for our daily walk. I stayed true to your recommendations about listening to the Beatles, and put on a mix CD I had made especially for him. It consisted mainly of everything else: Pink Floyd, The Rolling Stones, Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, and even some Harry Chapin. Dad enjoyed playing the game of “guess the band” and when Gravy Train came on, he sang at the top of his lungs and danced the best he could under his seatbelt. When the song ended he announced: “Man that was great stuff--Maybe they can play that at my funeral!”

(Quacking and laughing)

We sat by the river and witnessed a slew of little kids feeding the ducks (or shall I say--pelting them with clumps of bread). Dad enjoyed listening to snippets of their giggling. The weather was cool and we spent a good amount of time perched on a bench talking about the good ol’ days when he used to bring us to the same spot. I think it was three times that he mentioned how much he loved hearing the big band practicing on football Saturdays, and how much fun he thought it would be for Devin and Ben to witness the same. We enjoyed just listening to the river rushing by and taking in the surroundings by sound.

The next day I had the new caregivers meet us in dad's room so we could spend some time getting to know each other and dad would have the opportunity to ask them questions. I said it was up to him to give the final nod and he seemed receptive to the responsibility. When asked him to give a little background on himself, dad started off by describing the time his parents came over from Greece and ended only after detailing a 5-minute soliloquy of his life! He covered high school, college, the military, GM and when we were born. I think I can speak for everyone when I say we were all blown away by how much he could retain from his past, and recite back to us in such vivid detail.
(What sticks)

Later we took another short walk on the trail by his place. He had so much energy that day and I wanted to keep the momentum going. We walked the trail for about 15 minutes before I realized he was actually walking so fast I could barely keep up. He leans "more forward," he says, and now his feet move much faster to keep up. We talked about mom, their relationship and how things have evolved. At one point he looked over and said, “Could somebody please tell me why we got married in the first place?!?”

(What needs reminding)


Later he admitted how thankful he was that she was around, and how lucky he was that she was so interested in taking him on walks.

We went back to mom’s for a beer; she fed him a potpourri of whatever was left in her fridge covered with cheese. To catch up on more one-on-one time with mom, we promised to take her out to dinner after dad went to bed. As we were walking back to his room dad looked at me and asked, “Is that time? You know, when somebody comes by to tuck me in?”

When we returned to his place the next morning, we found him sleeping soundly in a sweater meant ice-fishing in Alaska. When he asked me when I was leaving and I told him tomorrow he said, “Oh… I’m getting sad already!” I remembered Jen’s advice on changing the channel and I immediately snapped him out of it with “…But I’m here now and we’re going to have fun. So no getting sad allowed!” Just like that the worried look disappeared to a smile and he said affirmed “OK!” Changing the channel is key.

All in all it was a great trip. We laughed a lot and got a lot accomplished to improve things moving forward. Dad needs more assistance walking for sure, but I did notice once his confidence was restored he seemed to be re-energized and moved along at a surprisingly strong clip. I really think it’s his vision more than anything that’s causing the stress. And as we all know the stress exacerbates the handicaps. But hopefully with the help of the two caregivers and new Neurologist, we can at least get a better handle on things.

One things clear, dad’s mood is like a mirror. I noticed his disposition would continuously reflect mine. If I was pensive, he was pensive, if I was goofy, he was goofy, and if I was sad he was sad. I feel like the PCA has turned dad somewhat psychic. Knowing this, I try my best effort to keep it light and fun at all times, and thankfully, and he seems to respond in kind.

(A good day)

I know this was a long one but it was a good trip and I wanted you guys to be a part of the positive experience. I realize when I am away from him I spend so much time worrying and getting down on myself over the situation. As you both know, the guilt can sometimes be worse than the truth of what’s happening in real time. But I feel good reporting this time, things were truly enjoyable. And there are still many opportunities for us to have these moments with dad. And even though he may forget them, at least we’ll have the happy moments to look back on.

Love you,
Teen